Today

I’m having trouble telling whether I’m depressed or having an existential crisis.

It’s probably a combination of both. I missed a step in taking my mood stabilising medication when I ran out five days ago and I haven’t been quite level on the railway tracks since then. They make me feel okay about the life I’m living. I’m competent, engaged, not as anxious, and I feel like things are the best they’ve ever been (which I believe in a practical sense, but which I don’t consider with elation).

I’m trying really hard to be good at something that I’m trying really hard to convince myself I care about. I do it for the sake of the security it gives me financially, to take care of my girlfriend, to have a breathable apartment where I have privacy and uncapped Wi-Fi.

But I feel sore. I feel like the grand potential within me is out of my reach because of the paths I’ve taken. I’ve been okay with it for as long as I’ve been desperately outrunning destitution. But now my pay increases have levelled out and this is the year where I need to put money into a pension plan and get on medical aid. The new expenses leave me with less per month than I made two years ago.

I wish I could cry, but I don’t know how.

 

Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever known
Can’t live for tomorrow
Tomorrow’s much too long
I’ll burn my eyes out
Before I get out
I wanted more
Than life could ever grant me
Bored by the chore
Of saving face
Today is the greatest
Day I’ve ever known
Can’t wait for tomorrow
I might not have that long
I’ll tear my heart out
Before I get out
Pink ribbon scars
That never forget
I tried so hard
To cleanse these regrets
My angel wings
Were bruised and restrained
My belly stings

Smashing Pumpkins

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