Memories

The time you forgot your bag in the car and thought you lost it. You were so pale leaving the arcade, and I was high on your relief when you found it again.

Watching you gallop on a horse, so fast. I couldn’t believe how good you are at riding the cheval.

Going over your lines with you, watching you crack under pressure and reassuring you. Making an action-plan schedule for your audition, and hearing you say “no. No!” When you got the phone call saying you got the audition.

Driving you to Bloem, asleep and serene. It was a long road and I was tired, but it was your dream, and I could have a part in it.

Trying to record you singing in your sleep, and always just catching the tail end of it with a crappy microphone.

Thinking how you would have told me it’s nearly 4AM and the light from my phone is keeping you up. You woke up one night when I couldn’t sleep and helped me meditate. It meant the world to me.

I cant sleep and I keep resting my arm on the space you used to occupy.

You telling me that you need someone who works on themselves and who grows. I needed to do more of that. My crime was inattention, I became lost I thought as a knee jerk to things I needed to be present for.

You singing while I played Clair de Lune.

The way the light caught your skin and I thought you were the most beautiful women I’d ever seen, makeupless and naked.

The time we got high, danced and made love, the time we got high and didn’t.

Holding your hand after in the tent and telling you you’re going to be okay.

The yearning on your face when we stopped kissing for a bit – eyes closed and leaning in for more.

The notes I left in your bag and the time I drove to Benoni to spend the night with you.

Your family and how I didn’t correct your sister when she said I needed patience to deal with you.

Your mom, your dad, and meeting them. Your auntie and meeting her.

Your gratitude. You were so grateful.

Your car and arguing because I insisted we fix it.

“If you please, draw me a sheep” watching you in a theatre full of children and thinking how odd it was that I was going to see you naked.

Asking you to be my girlfriend because I was so frustrated with the ambiguity of where we were. watching you dance that night next to the Italian restaurant.

Sitting in my garden for the first time in a year-and-a-half because you began working in it. Adding to the worm pile and watching you agonies that you accidentally cut open a worm.

You saying that Priscilla is thriving now.

That allergic reaction to soy, and kissing you despite the swelling.

Your disorganised filing system.

Loving you then, now, and thinking thr same thing you used to say – we will become a collection of memories to each other. Faded.

Going to pagan rituals together, going to BDSM parties together and being overwhelmed.

You are in everything here, and I wish I could leave.

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